In a far too distant future
(Though not too far for me)
There was a girl, Alena
A princess, as you will see
She lived in the castle of Santeem
A rebellious life, if you know what I mean
She ran away from home almost every night
Her father didn't like it, but then he was out of sight...
The villain Necrosaro
Wants to rule the world (la-la-la)
He sends his minions after her
Till his plan can be unfurled (la-la-la)
So Esturk, Sampson, and Radimvice
Plague her with stuff that's not too nice (la-la-la)
Full of plot holes, one and all
So she MST's with all her friends:
Heroes' Roll Call:
Cristo!
("Be kind to travellers!")
Ragnar!
("Shut up, Cristo!")
Our Hero!
("The name's Tavia!")
Breeeeeeeeey!
("Pushing up daisies!")
If you wonder how they do all this
When they're off to save the Earth
Repeat to yourself, "It's a silly game
And besides, it could be worse..."
In Mystery DQ Theater 3000...
[Sounds of uncontrollable retching can be heard clearly from within the wagon. An abrupt silence comes over everyone, followed by Ragnar's powerful laughter. Cristo gives Ragnar a dirty look--as soon as he can move his head to do so, that is.]
Cristo [indignant]: It's not funny! Motion sickness is not a humorous thing!
Brey: It's always nice to have a good laugh at the expense of your comrades. [Bangs his staff down on the floor of the wagon. If he does this too many more times, there's going to be a huge hole there.] Now then, Princess Alena, where were we?
Alena: I was just showing you my new invention.
Our Hero: Who do you think you are, Lucca?
Alena: Shut up, *Our Hero*. [Our Hero goes skulking into a corner, muttering "But my name's Tavia!" to herself. No one seems to notice.] Anyway, I call this the Sandglass of Regression, and here's how it works: you simply turn it upside down, and time reverses itself! See for yourself!
[Alena turns the Sandglass upside down, and we are returned to the opening scene, with Cristo puking his guts out.]
[After the opening scene has been repeated] Cristo: Wasn't once enough?
Brey: Let me see that, Princess Alena. [Snatches the Sandglass out of her hands] Just as I thought...you didn't invent this!
Alena: Did too! [Sticks her tongue out at the venerable magician] Nyah-nyah!
[Brey and Alena are just about to begin battling in the wagon when a voice suddenly begins speaking to them out of nowhere.]
DQ's Esturk: The boss was busy, so we had to drudge something up ourselves.
Radimvice: And you wouldn't believe the problems we had downlo...
DQ's Esturk: Shut up! Anyway, in order to slow you guys down even more in your quest, we're sending over Part Four of the Final Fantasy 2...
Radimvice [interrupting]: 4 in Japan!
DQ's Esturk: ...script. Don't worry about not having read the first three parts, they wouldn't help you understand the plot here any better anyway. Wait a second...did I just call it a plot?! Anyway, you've got yourself a typical story of love and loss and gloriously evil mutating villains. Enjoy...
[As suddenly as it began, the voice stops transmitting. The heroes look around in vain for a loudspeaker but find nothing.]
Heroes: We've got NECRO-Sign!
[The heroes never realized the wagon was this big. Door 6 is a curtained doorway, and Nara, dressed in a mysterious gypsy outfit, draws the curtains open for them. Door 5 is a portcullis very similar to the one at Endor. Door 4 is one of the huge red doors from <insert tower name here>. Door 3 is the door of a tiny hut, just barely large enough for Ragnar to get through. Door 2 is locked.]
Alena: Dammit, I know I've got the key around here somewhere...[Fishes through the pockets of her dress for ten minutes and finally comes up with a small silver key on a large keychain that reads "Final Key"]
[Door 2 opens. Door 1 is the door to a prison cell.]
Cristo: I knew it! It's all a trap! Don't do it, Alena!
Alena: But we must. [Opens Door 1.]
Final Fantasy II: The Script
============================
Part 4: The Moon
- - - - - - - - - -
Alena: That's OBSCENE!
Cristo: Dum-dum-dum...
Elder: While wishing, I heard a voice calling you to come to the moon...
Brey [Elder]: The voices...they're driving me MAD! Mad, I tell you!
Someone awaits you there!
Alena: Pity them.
Our Hero: Can we say 'foreshadowing,' boys and girls?
Cecil: Moon?! But how?
Cristo: Well, Cecil, it's very simple. All you have to do is unzip...
Alena: Cristo!
Cristo: What?
Elder: You will know how! Now go!
[The Heroes do their best Knights of Ni impressions for a moment.]
Brey: We want...a SHRUBBERY!
The group leaves Mysidia and enters the Big Whale,
Ragnar: But wouldn't that be painful? [Alena glares at him.] Sorry, Alena.
Cristo: Jonah! We wondered where you'd gotten to!
which has settled
on the ground nearby,
Ragnar: What a coincidence.
and, with the aid of a crystal controlling the
ship, proceed to the moon.
Ragnar: Presenting
the Big Whale, now running on clean, pure crystal energy! No more
of those troublesome
stops to refill your gas tank on the way to the moon!
Cristo [as Rosa]: Ew, there's blubber on my chair!
[Alena just sighs sadly to herself and buries her head in her arms]
There, they disembark, and are greeted by
a harsh landscape of rock, rock, and more rock.
Cristo: Be kind to travellers!
Our Hero [tour guide]:
Now, on your left, you'll be seeing some rock. And over there, on
your right, you'll be
seeing some more rock! And straight ahead...
Alena [tourist]: Let's just get this straight: next time, we are not taking the scenic route.
After some travel,
they arrive at the foot of a large, blue crystal castle, the only thing
breaking the dreary view. They enter.
Brey: Without knocking? How rude.
Our Hero: Rude's not here. He's in another MSTing.
Welcome!
Cristo [AO-Hell voice]: You've got mail.
An old man shimmers into view on a pedestal in front of them.
Brey [indignant]: Not old! Sagacious and experienced comes to mind.
Cristo: Shut up, old man.
[Brey whimpers]
Cecil: Who are you?
Ragnar: I'm the Bearded Lady. What are you, one of the freaks?!
FuSoYa: I am FuSoYa, the guardian of the Lunarians' slumber.
Alena: So there's this old guy, watching everyone sleep...that pervert!
Brey: Not old!!!
Rosa: Lunarians?
Our Hero: Lunarians, Zenithians, what's the difference?
FuSoYa: Yes. Millenia ago, the planet between Mars and Jupiter
was about
to be shattered.
Alena: About to be? How many millennia are we talking here?
The people who survived this calamity escaped
by ships and headed to the Blue Planet.
Cecil: The Blue Planet?
Cristo: How depressing.
[Alena begins muttering obscenities under her breath.]
FuSoYa: Your land earth. However, the people of the earth were
still in
the process of evolution.
Our Hero: Yeah, and so's Necrosaro. Your point?
Alena: I'm gonna KILL him...
Thus they created another Moon and
kept sleeping.
Ragnar: Da lazy bums.
Edge: The Lunarians?
Our Hero: Didn't someone else just ask that? Yes, the Lunarians, dammit!
FuSoYa: But he refused to. He tried to make the earth his place to live.
Our Hero: Classic case of dangling modifiers.
Rydia: Who?
Ragnar [Dark Helmet]: When will then be now?
Alena: Not soon enough.
FuSoYa: I forced him to sleep. But his thoughts were still awake.
Cecil: Is that who is controlling Golbez?
Edge: Who is that?
Ragnar [Dark Helmet]: WHO?!!!
FuSoYa: He is Zemus. He needs the crystals as the energy source
to
reactivate the Tower of Bab-il, and bring
down the Giant of
Bab-il to annihilate the living on earth.
Most of us Lunarians
are waiting for you folks on the Blue Planet
to be able to
undesrstand us.
Our Hero: You're the one with all the dangling participles, buddy!
Ragnar: So, let
me get this straight. The guy they've been trying to get rid of this
whole time was actually being
controlled by some other guy, who's been sleeping all this time?
Cristo [whining]: Mommy, I want to go home! We missed the plot point!
Brey [just waking up]: What, what? There was a plot point?
Our Hero: Go back to sleep, old man.
[Brey fumes]
Cecil: What about the Big Whale?
FuSoYa: My brother
Alena: Yo Yo Ma?
KluYa made it to go to the Blue Planet. He taught your
folks how to build the airships and the Serpent Road.
Our Hero: So, it's all his fault!
KluYa
fell in love with a girl of your Blue Planet and gave birth to
two children.
Cristo: That's a neat trick!
Alena: Please don't ever learn it, Cristo.
One of them is... you, Cecil.
Ragnar: So, the mysterious hero finally discovers his origins. I've heard this one before.
Our Hero: Shut up, Ragnar.
Cecil: Me?! Then the Light at Mt. Ordeals was...
Ragnar: One of those really bright halogen ones.
FuSoYa: It must be the spirit of your father KluYa.
Alena [bitterly]:
Because we would never want to consider the repercussions of your father
laying dead in a
coffin somewhere.
Cristo: Don't give up hope, Alena!
Alena [paying no attention]:
Or maybe he's actually hanging out in the underworld? Who's to know?
I mean,
really...this dude Yo Yo Ma...
Ragnar [interrupting]: It's KluYa, I believe.
Alena: What kind
of a dumb name is that? Anyway, KluYa sneaks off to another planet,
does the dirty deed with
some girl he's never met, and we're expected to believe that now he's in
heaven, casting his holy light
down on to one of his sons?
Our Hero [gently]:
There, there, Alena. Take a deep breath and relax. It'll all
be OK once we're out of this
script.
Cecil: My father... is that Light...
Heroes: Yes, DAMMIT!
FuSoYa: KluYa gave you his power to thwart the foul machinations of
Zemus.
We must stop him for the sake of our two races!
Now we must
hurry to the Tower of Bab-il!
Cristo: I will refrain from making any Biblical references.
Alena: Thank God.
Edge: Tower of Bab-il? But it's shielded!
FuSoYa: I can neutralize the shield. I will go with you!
Ragnar: Of course
*he* can neutralize the shield. That's why they had to go find him,
after all. Not that they
knew who they were looking for or anything.
Our Hero: He came to them...through a plot hole the size of a small continent.
They return to the Big Whale and head quickly to the earth. But
they
are a moment too late...
Cristo: Aren't they always?
the ground begins shaking as they arrive.
Cecil: Tower of Bab-il?
FuSoYa: We're too late!
Edge: What?!
Alena: Well, it's not too hard to figure out, you know.
FuSoYa: The Giant of Bab-il will appear!
And indeed it does, and almost immediately starts
blasting its
surroundings.
Our Hero: That was awfully prophetic.
Alena: The figurative word here being 'awful.'
Rydia: It's terrible!
Our Hero [Rosa]: I don't know...I think it's kinda cute.
Edge: Blast it!
Cristo: Oh, shucky darn.
Alena: Um...I think he meant it in the literal sense.
Ragnar [eagerly]: But it might bring this script to an early end if he didn't.
Rydia: Can't we do anything anymore?
Brey: Apparently not.
The Giant is suddenly hit with an explosion.
Ragnar: Damn. I was wrong.
Our Hero: Way to use that descriptive language!
Cecil: What's that?
Alena: You do, of course, realize that every time you ask this, the answer is revealed five seconds later.
The Dwarves' tanks approach, led by King Giott.
Alena: Told ya.
Giott: Here we are! We shall fight for Mother Earth!
Cristo: Because we all know that a huge planet with volcanoes and glaciers and such can't defend itself.
In another tank are a pair of sylphs, accompanied by none other than Yang.
Cristo: Oh, and I wonder what *he's* been doing for the past few months...
Alena: Cristo, shut up!
Yang: I cannot be resting while you're fighting.
Our Hero [Yang]: Because then I'd feel guilty.
Count me in!
Ragnar [Setzer]: Double or nothing, aces are wild...
Airships then approach from the east.
Cid: Watch out! Here I come!
Ragnar: Charge!!!
Palom: Hey, long time no see, man!
Alena: Somebody here's just a little anachronistic.
Porom: Our Elder removed our petrification.
Our Hero: And wasn't that nice of him?
Elder: This war is not yours alone!
Cristo: Is too! Waaah!
It involves all the creatures on the
earth!
Cristo: The birds, and the bees...
Alena: Cristo...
Edward: Cecil! Let me show you the courage you've taught me!
Ragnar [Edward]:
By immediately proceeding to run around like an idiot, screaming at the
top of my lungs,
until someone mercifully puts me out of my misery.
The tanks and airships together hold the Giant at bay.
Cecil: Everyone!
Cristo [singing...sort of]: Everybody dance now!
Rosa: The Giant is intimidated!
Alena: By a ragtag group of renegades with a couple of puny airships and a silly little tank? I don't think so...
FuSoYa: Now we must get inside the Giant of Bab-il and destroy its control
system!
Edge: I see! So we destroy its core!
Brey [Edge]: Oh, now I get it!
Our Hero [Rydia]: Well, duh.
Cecil: Please, Cid!
Cid drops his airship down to the Big Whale.
FuSoYa: Go near its mouth!
Cristo [FuSoYa]: I've got the Listerine right here!
Cid: Who's this?
Cristo [Tim the Enchanter]: There are those who call me...Tim...
Cecil: FuSoYa from the moon.
Cid: Moon?
FuSoYa: Can you or not?
Alena: Cristo, don't even say it.
Cristo: What?
Cid: Who do you think I am? Leave it to me!
Cid brings the airship toward the Giant.
FuSoYa: Now!
Cid: Hold on!
Cid, as good as his word, makes a pass
Cristo [Giant]: Oh, man! Nasty! Couldn't you have held that in?
right next to the Giant's mouth,
Brey [Giant]: I never knew you cared, Sweetie.
and the party jumps into a mass of machinery.
Cristo: I always wondered what the inside of a massive android looked like.
They make their way
through the Giant, until...
Our Hero: ...they reach the Giant's stomach, where they are instantly drowned in digestive juices. The end.
[Heroes cheer and applaud]
Rubicant: You're too late!
Valvalis: The Giant won't stop!
Alena: Was that Freudian, or was that Freudian?
Kainazzo: You...
Milon: ... will be laid to rest here!
Cristo: How sweet! They've known each other so long that they can finish each other's sentences! Aww!
Cecil: Four Fiends!
Milon: Master Zemus...
Kainazzo: breathed life back into us all...
Brey: So, is this Zemus guy certified to do CPR, or what?
Valvalis: to defeat you!
Rubicant: Glad to meet and fight you again! You have taught me...
to join
forces! Now I will restore your strength!
[He does so.]
Fight with all your might!
Alena: So, let me
get this straight...this Rubicant character, hell-bent on destroying the
good guys once and for
all, heals them to full strength before the battle? I'm jealous.
A fierce fight ensues, but the party is victorious.
Ragnar: Real fierce. That was rather effortless, if I do say so myself.
Milon: Master Zemus!
Kainazzo: Once again!
Cristo [Kainazzo, as Yogi Berra]: It's déjà vu all over again!
Valvalis: No...!
Rubicant: We lost...!
Alena: Finders keepers, losers weepers.
They then proceed to the Giant's core.
FuSoYa: It's the core of this Giant, the CPU!
Edge: Man! It's huge!
Ragnar [Edge]: Dude! It's gotta be at least a 300 MHz!
FuSoYa: We must destroy its defensive system first! Otherwise
all the
damage we do will be repaired!
Our Hero [deep voice]: It's Tech Support...from HELL!
They destroy the CPU.
Ragnar [Edge]: Never mind. It was just a PowerMac after all.
Cecil: We did it!
Edge: It stopped!
Brey: And suddenly, the whole room dissolved into an endless blue void...
Cristo: They were running NT on a PowerMac? That just doesn't make any sense.
Alena: Neither does anything else in this script.
Then a door opens ahead of them.
Cristo: And they see a faint light at the end of the tunnel.
You wretch!
Ragnar: Them's fightin' words!
Brey: What an insolent door.
Golbez approaches.
Brey: So was it Golbez or the door talking?
Cristo: Maybe Golbez *is* the door...
Our Hero: Maybe the writer of this script needs to be a bit clearer with phrasing.
Golbez: You ruined my plan! You shall pay for this!
FuSoYa: You!
Cristo [Tellah]: You spoony bard!
FuSoYa approaches Golbez.
Ragnar: Now that's an indecent proposal.
Alena: Tell me I'm not hearing this.
Golbez: Get away!
Cristo [in a silly French accent]: Now go away, before I taunt you a second time!
FuSoYa: Don't you realize who you are?
Ragnar [Golbez, as Raymond]: But...but...these people...they...they don't know who I am!
Golbez: Stop it!
FuSoYa: Wake up!
Cristo: And smell the coffee!
Brey [whispering]: We've replaced Golbez's regular coffee with Folgers' crystals. Will he notice the difference?
Alena [Golbez]: Damn you all, who stole my coffee?!!
FuSoYa casts a spell on Golbez,
Cristo [singing]: I'll put a spell on you...
then collapses.
Golbez: ... Why did I have all that hatred?
Our Hero: Perhaps
because you're a no good sonofabitch who was hell-bent on taking over the
world for your
own cruel and sadistic purposes?
Alena: Or maybe because the people writing the script were trying to create suspense. Either way.
FuSoYa: Come to your senses! Do you remeber your father's name?
Our Hero [making siren noises]: The Spelling Police are here. What seems to be the trouble?
Alena: The writer of this script is having a bit of trouble remembering to include all the letters in his words...
Our Hero: Then I am afraid I shall have to kill him.
[And there was much rejoicing among the Heroes]
Golbez: My father? His name is...
Alena: Yo Yo Ma?
KluYa...?
Cecil: What?!
Ragnar [Cecil]: What kind of a dumb name is that?
Rosa: That means...
Edge: Cecil's... brother?!
Cecil: Golbez... is... my...
Cristo: It's a simple
matter of genealogy. It's really not that confusing; you don't have
to speak with points of
ellipsis if you don't want to.
FuSoYa: You were controlled by Zemus' telepathy. Your blood made
it easier
for him to use you.
Cristo [Dracula]: I vant to suck your blood!
Edge and Rydia join FuSoYa and Golbez, while Rosa
looks concernedly at
Cecil.
Alena [Rosa]: I don't care what anyone says, I am not going to consider him my brother-in-law!
Edge: Man!
Cecil: I have been fighting my own brother...
Golbez: You are my brother?
Cristo [Cecil]:
Yes, it's true. But you'll have to walk six feet behind me so people
don't catch on. If anyone asks,
you're my deranged stalker.
Cecil: But... it could have been me... who was controlled by Zemus'
telepathy.
Golbez: But it was me... It means my soul was stained with evil
for Zemus
to use...
Cristo: This shirt and blouse have had it...or had they?
Brey: Order Didi 7 for only $14.95 today! Not available in stores, order now!
Cristo [whispering]: Not responsible for any damage to silk, wool, or souls.
Golbez starts to leave.
Brey: But doesn't
quite make it, because he's having a hard time figuring out the difference
between himself and
the door.
Cecil: Where are you going?
Golbez: I'll settle all this myself!
Alena: What a manly man. Right.
FuSoYa: Wait!
Golbez turns back around as FuSoYa gets back up.
Cristo: You do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself around...
FuSoYa: Zemus is a Lunarian! He belongs to my race! I'll come with you!
Cristo: Does that make FuSoYa a racist?
Golbez: Goodbye, Cecil...
Our Hero: And just when they were getting to be such good friends...
FuSoYa and Golbez leave.
Edge: Are you gonna just let him leave like that?
Cristo [Cecil]: Um...yes.
Alena: And how exactly is he supposed to leave, may I ask?
Rosa: He may lose his life!
Alena [Golbez]: I know I put it around here somewhere...
Rydia: Isn't he your big brother?
Ragnar [Cecil]: I told you not to tell anyone!
Cecil: Brother...
Cristo [Cecil]: I'm gonna git down wit ma homies in da Lunar Core!
Ragnar: Wasn't it bad enough that Barret always talked like that? You don't have to do it too, Cristo.
Cristo: Right. Sorry.
Rydia: Right!
Our Hero: Left! Left, right, left!
Suddenly, the floor begins shaking.
Alena: It's the big one! Everyone run for the nearest doorway!
Brey: Golbez, come back!
Edge: It's collapsing!
Rydia: We must get out!
Alena [Cecil]: But I like it in here! It's so cozy!
Rosa: Cecil!
Cecil remains silent, and Edge and Rydia join him and Rosa.
Edge: What's the matter?
Our Hero: Well,
let's see...not only is he having major problems with this whole saving
the world thing, but he
just found out he's got a long-lost brother who's been trying to kill him
throughout the script...and now this
brother of his has disappeared to face certain death. Nothing big.
Rydia: But where is the way out?
Alena: Well, *Rosa* knows Exit...
This way!
Heroes: Golbez?!
Kain enters from ahead of them.
Rosa: Kain!
Edge: You can't trick us anymore!
Alena: Isn't that what you said the last three times he tricked you?
Kain approaches them.
Kain: Talk later! We must hurry!
Ragnar [Kain]: Me Tarzan! You Jane!
A severe shock emphasizes his words.
Rosa: Hurry up!
Back on the Big Whale...
Cristo: The heroes were taking a break, and had invited the Secret Programmers over for a group orgy...
Alena: Cristo, yuck.
Kain: At last I was able to regain consciousness. And I am ready
to pay
the consequences.
Cristo: No babes for you!
Edge: Yeah! Who do you think reactivated the Giant of Bab-il?
Kain: I thought it was you!
Rosa dashes between Edge and Kain, as Kain lowers his head in shame.
Rosa: [to Edge] No!
Alena [Rosa]: Bad Edge!
Cristo [Edge]: <whimpers and whines>
Kain: Rosa...
Ragnar [Kain]: Did anyone ever tell you you're sexy when you're trying to avoid confrontation?
Cristo [singing again, perhaps as Rosa]: I'm too sexy for my shirt...
Alena: Someone please tell me this isn't happening.
Rosa: Golbez was also under control! It's not Kain's fault!
Kain: Golbez... too?
Rosa: Golbez was Cecil's brother... A Lunarian called Zemus controlled
Golbez from the Moon.
Rydia: So Golbez went to the Moon with FuSoYa to defeat Zemus.
Our Hero: Thanks, it all makes perfect sense now! Thanks for clearing that up!
Kain: Golbez... Cecil's brother... [Long pause.]
Cristo [Cecil]: Better not be a 'pregnant' pause.
Our Hero: I just think they did it to try to infuse this piece of crap with some sort of dramatic flair.
Alena: Or just to prolong the torture.
Then I must pay back
my debts to Zeromus!
Ragnar [Kain]: Because
otherwise he'll get his thugs after me. He doesn't like it when we're
late on our
payments.
Edge: Hope he doesn't get hypnotized again.
Cristo [Palom]: You and me both, dude! Totally!
Kain walks over to Edge.
Our Hero: And plummets to his death.
[The Heroes applaud]
Kain: If that happens again, go ahead and get rid of me.
Edge: Then I'm coming!
Ragnar [Edge]: Count
me in! I've been looking forward to this opportunity ever since he
snuck in to this story
through one of the gaping holes in the plot!
I feel like defeating Zemus with my blade!
Our Hero: Well, you certainly won't do it with your blazing wit and intelligence.
Kain: Edge...
Cecil: Let's go. I will go... to the Moon!
Cristo: To the Moon, Alice!
Rosa: Cecil...
Cecil: Rosa and Rydia, you get off here. The rest of us will
go to the
Moon. It's too risky. There's
no guarantee of safe return
this time.
Our Hero: Okay,
so it was perfectly safe to go slay a big huge giant, and kill four elemental
Fiends, but *this*
journey isn't safe?
Rosa: Cecil!
Rydia: What?!
Alena [Rydia]: You're
leaving your best magic-users behind, just so you can protect your egos...damn
glass
ceiling of magic.
Cecil: Come on. Get off the Big Whale.
Alena [Cecil]: Because
us big men are going to go slicing and dicing, and we wouldn't want your
skimpy outfits
getting all stained with blood.
Rosa steps back, stunned at his words, then walks
resolutely toward the
exit and off the Whale.
Edge: Now, Rydia. You be a good girl and stay home.
Cristo [Rydia]: And I'll have supper waiting on the table when you get back!
Rydia: Think it's sweet of you to say that, hotshot?
Rydia turns her back on Edge and leaves as well.
Brey: You go, girl!
[The Heroes applaud]
Edge: So long, Rydia.
Cristo [singing]: Happy trails, to you...
Kain: Cecil...
Cecil: Let's go, Kain, Edge!
Brey: You too, John-boy, come along...
They take off and go to the Moon.
Cecil: Ready?
Kain and Edge nod, and all three head for the exit.
But just as they
reach it, none other than Rosa comes up into the
control room.
Kain: Rosa!
Cecil: Get out of my way...
Rosa: No! I won't unless you take me with you.
Cecil: Don't be silly.
Alena: It's a bit late for that.
Rosa: I don't care how dangerous it will be! I don't care as long
as I
can be with you!
Alena [Rosa]: Because
I have greatly overestimated the powers of love, not to mention the relatively
weak level
of my healing spells.
Cecil: Rosa...
Kain: Take her, Cecil.
Edge: Come on, man!
Alena: I can see where this could be rather degrading.
Cecil: Okay, Rosa... Whatever happens... I'll protect you!
Rosa and Cecil embrace.
Our Hero: Aww.
Alena: Don't make me sick.
Then comes another familiar voice...
We did it!
Rydia pops up into the control room.
Brey: You *go*, girlfriend!
Edge: Rydia!
Rydia: Didn't I say we're all fighting for a common cause? Besides,
I'm
the only Caller you have!
Cecil: Rydia... you're right. Let's fight... for our common cause!
Cristo [Rydia]: Now, then...what's our common cause again?
Alena [Kain]: Purging the world of this script forever?
Our Hero [Cecil]: Cancer research?
Brey [Rosa]: World peace?
Ragnar [Edge]: Hell, close enough.
* - * - *
Heroes [singing in a very nice five-part harmony]: The stars are with the voyager...
The four return to the crystal palace, and, aided
by the lunar
crystals, head toward the core of the moon.
When they finally reach
it,
Ragnar: After five whole seconds of searching...
they find...
Cecil: Golbez! FuSoYa!
Golbez and FuSoYa fight Zemus.
FuSoYa: Do the Meteo now!
[Cristo gets down and funky. Brey bonks him over the head with his staff.]
Alena: Where's Sephiroth when you need him?
Our Hero: Wrong script, Alena.
Alena: Oh yeah, sorry. The gaping holes in the plot caught me off guard.
Golbez: I'm ready!
Brey [Golbez]: How do I look, everyone? Is this dress me, or what?
Zemus: Silly!
Cristo [Mindy, as in the one on Animaniacs]: Silly puppy!
Together, Golbez and FuSoYa cast White Meteo, defeating Zemus.
Ragnar: Oh my God! They killed Zemus! You bastards!
Cristo: Hey, cool! Can we go home now?
Zemus: This is just the beginning...
Alena: You mean there's more to this horrible script?
[Our Hero screams for five minutes straight]
Zemus collapses.
Golbez: We defeated him.
Cristo: So, is he dead or not? Make up your damn minds!
Ragnar: In this case, the term "mind" is used in the strictly figurative sense.
FuSoYa: It's a pity. He was consumed with evil and could not use
his
powers for good.
Edge: Right on!
Brey [Palom]: Yeah, dude!
Golbez and FuSoYa turn around, surprised, as the party approaches.
FuSoYa: Oh, you're here!
Ragnar [FuSoYa]: Damn.
Edge: Man, I was to get Zemus!
Our Hero [FuSoYa]: That could be arranged...[prepares to cast Life2]
Golbez: Cecil...
Cecil turns away from Golbez, at a loss for words.
Cristo: In other words, the script writer couldn't think of anything for him to say.
Ragnar: If only that happened more often...like through the entire script.
Rosa: Cecil...
All six turn to look at Cecil. Unbeknownst to them,
Cristo: But knownst to us...
Zemus transforms
behind them. Then the light dims...
Ragnar [Barf]: Dimming the lights...
Brey: Ooh, scary...
I am the Absolute Dark Substance...
Cristo: Dryer lint?
Alena: Used chewing gum on a seat?
product of Zemus' hatred...
Alena [in abject terror]: Oh my God! It's...it's...BILL GATES!
Heroes: AAAAAAAAAAAGH!
My
name is Zeromus... I am... the hatred...!
Our Hero: Sorry,
I'm afraid that doesn't quite work. Hatred is an emotion, while you
are some sort of...weird
being, or something. You can't very well be both at once. Although
you can feel hatred, you cannot
specifically *be* hatred. Make sense?
Ragnar [Zeromus]: Oh, now I get it! Thanks, Our Hero!
Our Hero [in a rage]: MY NAME IS *TAVIA*, DAMMIT!!
In a shock, everyone is thrown backward.
Cristo [Golbez]: Oh my God! [flies across the room]
FuSoYa: Death only increased Zemus' hatred!
Ragnar: That's funny. From what he just said, I figured it made him all peaceful and calm.
Golbez: Zemus... or should I say Zeromus! I'll cast you back to
where you
belong!
FuSoYa: ... Begone!
[Cristo and Ragnar begin to hum "Hit the Road, Jack"]
Golbez and FuSoYa attack Zeromus. But their
Meteo spells have no
effect.
Brey [Sephiroth]: Damn Holy spell!
FuSoYa: ... It's no use! Use the Crystal!
Cristo [Yogurt]: Use the Schwartz, Lone Starr! Use the Schwartz!
Zeromus: You, the man of Darkness, using it does not mean anything to
me,
you fools!
Our Hero: Was that supposed to be a sentence, or just a feeble effort at spurting out some ill-joined words?
Ragnar: Somehow I don't think Zeromus was too concerned with passing freshman English.
Alena: Unfortunately, neither was the writer of this script.
Zeromus casts Meteo, defeating them.
Cristo: Is it over yet?
Zeromus: Suffer... and... perish... My hatred will last until
I destroy
all...
Ragnar [Kefka/Zeromus]: I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate HATE YOU!
Now it's your turn... Come into my darkness!
Alena [Rosa]: That's sexual harassment...and I don't have to take it!
Meanwhile, back at the Tower of Wishes in Mysidia...
Porom: Master!
Alena [Master]: Yes, Margarita?
Palom: They are in danger!
Cristo: Well, duh!
Elder: [to all] Ahem!
Ragnar [Kefka]: There is SAND on my boots!
Now is the time to wish for the earth! [to P&P]
Alena: Pride and Prejudice?
Cristo: Princess and Pea?
Ragnar: Pot roast and Pumpernickel? [aside] What can I say, I'm starved!
Palom! Porom!
Heroes: Oh yeah, *them*.
We shall send people's wishes to Cecil!
Yang: Cecil...!
Edward: Show us what true courage is!
Our Hero [Edward]:
Because we sure as hell haven't figured it out yet. We're not the
ones on the Moon, you
notice.
Cid: We're all waiting for you!
Cristo: Because Cecil owes us money!
Engineers: Come back alive!
Giott: For mother Earth!
Alena: And Father Uranus?
Cristo [either Beavis or Butthead]: Heh-heh...she said Uranus...
Luca: Stand up!
Cristo [Cecil]: You didn't say "Simon Says!"
Clerics: You're our last hope!
Our Hero: Damn. We're doomed.
Palom: Wake up, dude!
Ragnar [Edge]: That's getting annoying, man.
Porom: Cecil... and everyone!
Alena: You mean there are other people there too? I'd forgotten all about them...
Our Hero: Repressed memories, Alena.
Elder: Moon! Andwer our wish!
Alena: And let this script be over soon!
Our Hero: Andwer? Where's spellcheck when you need it?
Back in the lunar core...
Cristo [Rosa, panting]: Oh, Cecil!
Alena: Cristo, ew!
Cecil: B...brother!
Cecil stumbles over to Golbez' prone form.
Alena: Don't even think it, Cristo.
Golbez: Cecil... Use... this...!
Golbez gives Cecil his crystal. Cecil turns to face Zeromus.
Cecil: Zeromus! For all those living on the earth... I will destroy you!
Cristo: Destroy, destroy, destroy!!!
One by one, images of their past allies appear in
front of the party,
as the Moon restores their strength.
Palom: Cecil!
Cristo [Palom]: Yo, dude!
Ragnar [Edge]: I am going to kill that kid.
Porom: Here's our power!
Ragnar [Porom]: Not that we'd need it or anything.
Edward: Do your best!
Alena [Edward]: Don't be a slacker like me!
Tellah: Don't give it up!
Our Hero: But I thought he was dead...
Alena: Stop thinking about this like it's supposed to make sense, or your head will explode.
Yang: Concentrate!
Heroes: Ommmm...
Cid: Hold on to it!
Cristo: Now squeeze...
Alena: You PERVERT! [The sound of Alena slapping Cristo can be heard reverberating through the wagon]
FuSoYa: Bless him, Moon!
Alena: Because he sure as hell needs blessing, and no one else is going to do it.
Golbez: My dear brother! Let your sacred power be with the Crystal!
Ragnar: "Dear brother?" Isn't this coming from the same guy who's been trying to kill him the whole time?
Our Hero: I think we missed a plot point.
Cristo: There was a plot point?
Alena: There was a plot?
Zeromus! It's the end!
Heroes: YAY!!!!!!
The party battles fiercely with Zeromus, but defeat him in the end.
Our Hero [Cecil]: Well, that didn't take long. How about we go get some pizza now?
Cristo [Kain]: Who's buying?
Alena [Rosa]: I want a veggie pizza with extra broccoli, parsnips, and yellow peppers...
Our Hero [Bahamut]: Now you must die...
Zeromus: I... will... not... perish... as... long... as... there...
is...
evil... in... the... hearts... of... people...
Brey: Gimme a 'Z!'
Ragnar: Talk about an empty victory.
Zeromus dies.
Cristo: But wait...didn't they just say...
[Cristo's head explodes.]
Alena: Ew, yuck, that splattered on me!
FuSoYa: Well done! [Looks around at the party.] I didn't
know you people had such power. Your people might have been further
along than us Lunarians.
Edge: No doubt!
Alena [singing]: "I'm just a girl, livin' in captivity..."
Kain: But Zeromus' last words...
Rosa: As long as there is evil in the hears of people...
Brey: ...Maxwell House coffee will be good to the last drop?
FuSoYa: Evil in our minds will never disappear. We all have both evil and good in our mind, just as there are the crystals of Light and Darkness, the ground and underground. But as long as the evil exists, so does good. Just as you held good in your heart
[A sudden darkness comes over the room as the script grinds to a halt.]
Alena: What the hell's going on here?
Cristo: I don't notice anything different...
[Our Hero heals Cristo's exploded head.]
Cristo: Oh...!
Ragnar: Stop talking like a part of the script, Cristo.
Cristo: Sorry.
[The script begins again, and the Heroes all groan.]
In Fabul...
Yang's wife: Honey!
Yang: Stop calling me that! You are a Queen now!
Alena: And as you know, queens are supposed to show no affection to their husbands.
Yang's wife: But I don't like such formalities!
Yang: Oops! It's time for training!
Cristo: But we'll have some time to ourselves later...
[Alena just sighs to herself]
Yang leaves the throne and joins the karate students.
Yang: Let's go! [On their way out...] ACHOOO!
Our Hero: Gesundheit.
Yang's wife: So do you!
Our Hero: And what did that have to do with anything?
Ragnar [still on his Dark Helmet kick]: Nothing, which is what you are about to become!
Former King: I'm sure that Yang will rebuild a fabulous Fabul!
Cristo [Former King]:
He'd better...otherwise tourism profits are going to plummet.
In Damcyan, Prince Edward is supervising the rebuilding
of Damcyan
Castle.
Alena: Note that he's *supervising*, as opposed to actually doing any work.
Prince Edward!
Several children run up to Edward.
Cristo: I will now refrain from making any Michael Jackson references.
Kids: Let us listen to te minstrelsy of Paladin!
Our Hero: "Te minstrelsy?"
Alena: Never mind.
Edward: Sure! But let us finish today's work before that.
Don't you
want to help rebuild out castle?
Ragnar [Kids]: No, we want to listen to you be a deadbeat!
Kids: Yes! Promise!
Edward: Anna... Watch me from up there, Anna. I have the
people of
Damcyan with me!
Brey: And Anna's not jealous? Wow.
I hope Tellah will keep you company...
Cristo [Edward]:
Because maybe then he'll tell you what he meant by calling me "spoony."
In the Underground...
Cristo: Hades and Persephone were...
Lali-ho!
Alena: What did you just call me?
Giott: Work hard! Rebuild our castle as soon as possible!
King! We haven't got
enough materials for that!
Ragnar: Oh, come
on. You're underground. It shouldn't be too hard to find some
natural resources, igneous
rock, that sort of thing.
Giott: Scrap the tanks! There won't be another war!
Our Hero: Bloody optimists.
Ragnar [Giott]: And we can use this lovely cannon to hold a torch!
Luca: Father! I wonder what Cecil and others are doing.
Cristo: Trust me, you don't wanna know.
Giott: I received good news! Cecil will ascend the Baronian
throne with
Rosa as the queen!
Alena: Big shock there.
Luca: Really?!
Our Hero [Giott]:
No, I was just kidding. Never mind that they've been attached at
the hip and lip through
the whole script, they wouldn't be getting married...
Giott: And we are invited to their ceremony!
Luca: How nice!
Alena [Luca]: And I don't have a thing to wear!
You're loafing on the job, Your Majesty!
Our Hero: Insert bad bread pun here.
Giott: Ahem! Scrap the tanks!
Kain stands alone at the edge of a mountain's cliff.
Kain: Cecil... Rosa... Forgive my absence. I must
strengthen myself to
be a true Dragoon before going back. Until then...
Cristo [Kain]: I'll try
to find the bastard who dyed my hair blond!
In Professor Kory's observatory...
Oh!
Kory: What?
The Moon!
The second moon of the Blue Planet suddenly leaves
orbit and heads off
into space.
Ragnar: But is pulled
in by Jupiter's vast gravitational forces, and is utterly destroyed.
And in Castle Baron, in Cecil's room...
Cecil: ...!
Rosa: Cecil?
Cristo [Rosa]: Don't stop now...
Alena: If I have to tell you one more time...
Cecil: Nothing I thought I heard my brothers's voice.
Cristo: I told him never to come in when there was a sock on the doorknob, but did he listen to me?
Rosa: Really?
Cecil: Never mind.
Cid enters.
Cid: Hey! What are you doing?!
Cristo [Rosa]: What do you think we're doing, you dirty old man?!
They're all waiting for you!
Cristo [Cecil]: Let them wait...we have more important business to attend to.
Alena: You just never stop, do you?
Cristo: I should say not! Nauseating perversity is my middle name!
Rosa: Sorry.
Brey: No you're not, you sex fiend!
[The other Heroes gasp. This is the first time any of them have heard the old man utter the word 'sex.']
Cid: You have plenty of time later to spend together,
Rosa! Or should I
say Queen!
[Heroes sing the opening phrases of Bohemian Rhapsody]
Rosa: Rosa is fine.
Alena: No, Rosa is completely dysfunctional.
Cid: Okay, Rosa! The bride needs make-up! The maids are waiting!
Ragnar [Cid]: And I think Palom just lit the throne room on fire...
Brey [Edge, to Palom]: Die, scum...
Cristo [Palom]: Whoa! Chill out, dude!
Hurry
up!
Rosa: Okay!
Cid leaves; Rosa turns to Cecil.
Cristo: And gives him a big, fat...
Alena: CRISTO!!!!!
Cristo: ...smooch. That's all. Geez, will you calm down? You'd think I was some sort of pervert...
Rosa: It's been a while since we last saw them! They must be coming!
Our Hero [Rosa]:
At least they'd better be, because otherwise we're going to have enough
leftovers to feed the
starving people of Mysidia for years...
Ragnar: Um, the people of Mysidia aren't exactly starving...
Our Hero [Rosa]: *Then* what are we going to do with all that food?
Hurry, Cecil!
Rosa heads down the stairs.
Alena [perhaps too eagerly]:
And trips over the train on her wedding dress, sending her plummeting down
the
stairs and flying into the throne room on her ass?
Cecil: I did hear him... He said... Goodbye...
Ragnar: Yeah!
Just as the hull of their little ship breached, Golbez did scream something
that some people
might like to interpret as a farewell...
Our Hero: I think that's a new way of thinking of all this.
Cristo: I like it.
Alena: It's not that great. The script writers weren't on that ship, you know.
At the wedding ceremony, the guests - all the main
characters - enter
one by one to pay homage to the new King and Queen
of Baron.
Cristo: If anyone objects to the marriage of these two video game sprites, then may he speak now or...
Ragnar [Kain]: I do! I think Rosa's cute too!
Our Hero: Um, wasn't Kain about to jump off a cliff or something?
Brey: No, that was Celes!
Our Hero: Wrong game, old man.
[Brey fumes]
Alena: At any rate, Kain's not there. And what happened to Rydia and Edge and the Mysidian brats?
Cristo: It's all a mystery to me. So, Kain's not there? But they just said all the main characters were there!
Our Hero: After all this, you're still expecting some semblance of continuity? Haven't you learned your lesson?
Ragnar: There was a lesson in all this?
Alena: Yes.
The lesson was that we have to kill Necrosaro so he can't inflict these
horrid scripts upon us any
longer.
Heroes: Ohhh!
FINAL FANTASY II STAFF
Heroes: Finally!
Ragnar: Now we know who's really responsible for all this...
Alena: They're next
on the list, right after Necrosaro.
DIRECTOR
H.SAKAGUCHI
CHARACTER DESIGN
Y.AMANO
Our Hero: The words
'character' and 'design' being used in their most abstract senses here.
MUSIC COMPOSER
N.UEMATSU
Cristo: There was music? How come I didn't get to hear any music?
Alena: You were
too busy creating your own soundtrack, Mr. Tone-Deaf.
MAIN DESIGN
T.TOKITA
MAIN PROGRAM
K.NARITA
MAIN GRAPHIC
H.NAKADA
R.TANAKA
MAP DESIGN
Y.MATSUMURA
BATTLE DESIGN
K.AOKI
H.ITO
A.ATSUI
Ragnar: Battles?
You mean those sentences that said "After a long battle, the thing got
killed?"
BATTLE PROGRAM
K.YOSHII
K.HIGUCHI
BATTLE GRAPHIC
T.TAKAHASHI
M.HOSHINO
Ragnar: I guess
a lot went into those sentences.
MENU PROGRAM
K.ADACHI
MUSIC PROGRAM
M.AKAO
SOUND EFFECT
K.ITO
A.UEDA
TRANSLATION
K.MORIYAMA
K.OKAHISA
H.TAKAHASHI
Our Hero: So, it's all their fault! The bastards! I'll kill them all!!!
[Alena thinks she sees
the faint silhouette of Zeromus entering the room, but convinces herself
that she's just
paranoid.]
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
M.MIYAMOTO
SPECIAL THANKS TO ...
A.SAITO
D.R.CLOUTIER
R.D.SILVEIRA
J.YANAGIHARA
D.R.GARZA
C.B.BUDD
V.A.MAYHEW
K.M.FREDRICKSON
K.E.KIRCHNER
N.WILLIAMS
K.KOIZUMI
I.DOBASHI
S.TANAKA
T.NOMURA
Y.KAMATA
H.TANAKA
A.KAWAZU
K.ISHII
K.SHIBUYA
T.ENDO
T.TAKAHASHI
S.KAMEOKA
H.TAKEMURA
H.SUZUKI
H.KOBAYASHI
T.MIZUNO
T.TAKECHI
T.ANAZAWA
K.KOKJUBO
T.INOUE
N.INOUE
H.ITO
Y.KITASE
G.OHASHI
S.YOSHIEDA
M.SAITO
H.TAKAI
M.DAISHIMA
T.SUZUKI
S.SANO
N.GOTO
Cristo: And any
other Japanese-sounding names we forgot to include.
PRESENTED BY
SQUARE
Alena: And they
ought to be ashamed of themselves.
T H E E N D
[Heroes begin cheering and dancing wildly, then exit through the six doors.]
Our Hero: Good work, everyone! We survived yet another battle with the imperious forces of Necrosaro.
Alena: I'm gonna KILL that guy...
[A hideous creature suddenly appears in the wagon, blue hair flying everywhere.]
Zeromus [to Cristo]: Go ahead, use the crystal...
You, the man of
Darkness, using it does
not mean anything to
me, you fools!
Our Hero: As little sense as that made in the script, it made even less sense just now.
Brey: Hey, it's a big blue Tribble! How cute!
[Zeromus writhes in agony]
Alena: Well, we don't have a crystal, and we can't very well bring him along with us...so what do we do now?
[Brey makes some motions in the air with his gnarled staff, and a
huge cartoon foot comes out of the sky and crushes
the wagon. Zeromus disappears.]
Our Hero: Nice job, Brey...now how are we going to get to Necrosaro?
Cristo: Hey, look over here...the Big Whale appeared out of nowhere, just like it did in the script!
Alena: How quaint. Well, they won't mind if we use it for a while.
[The Heroes get on board the Big Whale and fly off towards Necrosaro's castle. The faint sounds of Alena slapping Cristo and calling him a pervert can be heard for miles around.]
DQ's Esturk: Well, Zeromus didn't work out. Now who are we going to use as the fourth guardian of Necrosaro?
Radimvice: At the last Villain Auditions, there was a trio of fat dragons who said they really needed a job...what were their names...Anbesol? No, that's not it...Anderson? Getting closer...
"You, the man of Darkness, using it does not mean anything to me, you fools!"
I really don't hate FF4 ("2 in the U.S.!") that much; in fact, I really liked it. However, I tend to think that the end of the game was rather loosely tied together, with much less consideration of plot than the rest of the game. (Lunarians...?) As for DQ4...I haven't been able to resist adding my own characterizations. So there. :p